last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
My roommate still talks on AIM. What is this middle school?
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize