i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
Somebodaw call 311 postw fire bunso on vietena floorwnkd
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
there may have been a blood oath never to speak of it again...only reason i can think of as to why there was a 1 inch bloody cut on my right boob
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
Randomize
