I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
Having random cyber sex while watching to catch a predator just seems wrong.
Randomize
