he looked about as manly as a guy in a volkswagen bug can look
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
Tonights theme there is the 7 deadly sins. Greed, envy, sloth, gluttony, sluttiness, fellatio and vodka.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Randomize
