This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
Just saw a teacher from our school with his wife... Now i really know how little teachers get paid.
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
