guy in front of me on the bus did 12 yrs, hes teling me about how to knife fight
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
Seriously, in what other class can the final major discussion be what bar you're going to with your prof?
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
Randomize
