I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
Help me help you realize you are a moron
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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