Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
Randomize
