Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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