she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
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