Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
Randomize
