I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
she definitely has that "I'll bang you, but then I'll tell your girlfriend" look to her.
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
But besides the pee thing, he sounds like a nice guy.
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
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