1. Mark my dj buddy and I spent $1000 on bottles last night
2. We were casually offered narcotics while walking down the street
3. I will still be awake when you start school tmw, cause there's no last call
So if any tells you miami is the same as the rest of america, there are just lying to you
The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
Randomize
