I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
Randomize
