Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
it is a dangerous dangerous place where morals and dignity go to die and all your fantasies about men become reality.
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
Randomize
