Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
Pushiiing vjews 4 ma daz caik
Lyk hr kuds 4
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
Everyone loves nachos, first of all. Second, Ke$ha is entirely appropriate for the age grou too young to realize she probably has Hep C.
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
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