You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
Randomize
