Now it won't go down.
You've got a gift.
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
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