I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
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