Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
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