i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
Randomize
