i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
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