we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
Share, now.
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
Randomize
