I hope you get the herp and dife. The emd.
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
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