Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
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