beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
