So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
Fuckkkk i made out with a freshman.....but he's old for his age. THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOURE NOT AROUND.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
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