she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
Randomize