Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
"The real world" DC house is on the corner of 20th and S. Wanna come with to check it out? It's my goal to be a blurred out face in their hot tub.
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
I saw the video from Saturday. So, how much did I drink for me to think I was a duck and strip my clothes?
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
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