So how was last night?
Let's just say I danced with the devil
Huh?
I'm going to Hell for sure
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Randomize
