Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
Goodbye hot boy in my geo class...goodbye my lover, goodbye my friend. you have been the one, you have been the reason I came to claassss
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
Randomize
