lol earlier she was acting like a normal gf... and then BANG! shes touching herself again...
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
But today feels so special with katie getting herpes and me cleaning my room. Good things are happening.
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
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