drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
Shitshow foam night was such a success
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
Can you bring me the toilet please
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
