Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
She announced her abortion via fbk
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
I was struggling morally, but once I let go, I came pretty hard.
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
Randomize
