One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
it was good sex until i became a rubber doll and he became a jack hammer, so i guess overall it was good
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
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