My sheets look like a crime scene.
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
You brought out the iron board layed it on the ground in the middle of everyone and passed out for the night
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
I licked your asshole in confidence.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
Randomize
