You made me cry and you don't even care
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
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