Well to be completely honest its more of a 'i wanna do things to you that your parents would not enjoy hearing about' mood
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
