so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
Two words: blizzard sex
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
Randomize
