"it" just moved
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Randomize
