i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Randomize
