First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
I havnt been this mad since the coche de Los murtos incident
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
Randomize
