and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
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