she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
Randomize
