New drinking game: drink every time the guy whose room we are in is creepy
enjoy the hospital
Just saw two girls doing a walk of shame together. Slut bonding at it's best.
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
I don't remember but we shouldn't have a problem. Unless drunk you encouraged drunk me not to wear a condom.
I think we have a problem.
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
Randomize
