I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
Randomize
