my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
Quoting wale wont save you from herpes
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
There should be an open time period where you show each other your goods and it's totally socially acceptable to bail.
I wholeheartedly concur
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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