I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
Randomize
