Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
you were running down the aisles of wal mart singing 'follow the yellowbrick road'. i'm pretty sure you thought the night shift workers were the munchkins & started crying when they wouldnt help u find the wizard. needless to say u were pretty stoned/wasted
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
I won't apologize to a one balled man
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
Randomize
