A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
we hooked up. but it was that weird mix of getting naked and watching Balto that made it so awesome.
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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