The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
Randomize