I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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