oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
FYI..good luck when you get back from work.. mom and dad know about the boy you brought home last night
haha good one..how did you even know?
we all know. he obviously didn't leave when you might have told him to.. he came down when we were eating because he coud smell mom's cooking. the dude ate with us and offered to say grace. so yeah, good luck.
Spotted: Pepto Bismol pink Scion with Ed Hardy sticker on front window, air freshener, and seat covers. Total Douchette Mobile.
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
Just saw the pics from the bachelor party. When the hell did we go to southie. And why was there a chicken in the limo..? You guys really are my best friends.
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
Randomize
