Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
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