i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
He looks like Spencer from the game Dreamphone
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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