I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
I'm currently being signed up to be painted nude for a college art class. ah yes best high decision ever
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
Randomize
