Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
