No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
On a scale of 1 to 10 how concerned should I be
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
