I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
can u get pink eye on your cock?
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
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