I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
I'm seriously considering refraining from drinking on school nights.
I like how you say that with 4 school days left of the school year..
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
Randomize
