dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
All i remember about last night is holding a bottle of bacardi and screaming challenge accepted!
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
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